Waxing and Waning
by Inks Inc
Summary: Good grooming is an essential facet of the modern man. Timothy McGee soon realises however that there really can be too much of a good thing. He needs help and he knows just who to call, but some things can never be kept purely in-house. McNozzo bromance. Competed One-Shot.


Tony pushed his damp fringe from his eyes and sighed. It was a sauna in the bullpen, the AC had long since shivered out its last gust of air before unceremoniously packing up. He stole a furtive glance over at Gibbs, who wasn't handling the heat all that well. His trademark polo shirt clung to him uncomfortably and his coffee remained untouched. Tony's very logical and downright pragmatic suggestion of an iced coffee and earned him a headslap and a look that would spoil milk straight from the cows udder. Deciding to keep his ingenious suggestions to himself, the second in command groaned as he felt the sweat trickle down his back. He knew it was wrong and that he was going to hell, but he was desperately wishing for a case. Anything that would get them off cold case review and into the fresh air.

But it was not to be.

His stack of paperwork seemed to grow rather than dissipate as he yanked another file of the stack in irritation. Out of the corner of his eye, he distinctly saw Ziva threaten her pile of work in Hebrew and scorch it with her eyes. Glancing to his left, he realised that McGee had taken a bathroom break nearly half an hour ago and had not yet returned. The look on Gibbs' face as he snarled in a sweating heap into his files set Tony's teeth on edge. The probie's disappearing act wouldn't go unnoticed for much longer. Feeling like headslapping McVanish into next week himself, he subtly dragged his cell from his pocket.

" _ **Probie, the hell are you doing in there? You can look all you want, you're not going to find your virginity in a toilet. Get your ass back up here before Gibbs notices you've been gone half the day….and wash your hands!"**_

As his cell pinged, Tim felt close to hysteria with panic. Forcing himself to remain as calm as the situation allowed for, he dug painfully around for the beeping phone. His already dampened brow was now encased in a slippery sheen of sweat. Fumbling with damp hands, he eventually extracted Tony's message and felt his heart sink like a leaden balloon. Had he been away that long? One glance at his watch told him he had and his panic instantly morphed into the hysteria he'd been battling. Breathing deeply, he glanced down and shook his head in horror, letting out a strangled whimper. He needed help, he knew it, but it was the worst kind of help he could possibly ask for. And there was only person he could ask, and that one person would sure as hell make sure the whole fiasco followed him for the rest of his days. Gritting his teeth as a fresh pickle of pain tickled through him, he steeled himself.

" _ **Need your help. Come quick and come alone, I'm begging you Tony, come alone."**_

Scowling at the tiny print that was making his head and eyes bleed, Tony sighed when his cell vibrated quietly on his desktop. No doubt Tim had been on his way back and some freaking book or other had popped into his brain and he forgot all about reality. Flicking the cell open lazily, Tony's eyes widened at the urgent message. Frowning thoughtfully, he tried to discern the tone of the short sentence. It could be some mindless intern with the probie's phone…but no, all the damned interns loved Tim. He was like their fearless nerd leader. No…it was real. Concern dogged him as he thought quickly. Glancing up at Gibbs, he saw he was pretty much engrossed and not really paying much attention to his team.

Closing his eyes and hoping for the best, Tony sidled up out of his chair like a slithering eel. No one even glanced at him as he snaked out from his desk and bolted from the bullpen. Muttering under his breath all the way, he barrelled down the halls to the mens bathrooms that he knew McGee preferred. Some nonsense about improved hygiene in the third floor cubicles. Rolling his eyes and muttering even more furiously, he came to a near panting standstill outside the bathroom door. He would die under interrogation before admitting it, but he was damned worried. McGee sounded near frantic. Pushing open the door, he saw the bathroom was empty save for a locked cubicle at the very end of the narrow room.

"McGee?"

A low and almost guttural groan met his words. Brows shooting up into his limp fringe, Tony padded down to the locked door and rapped sharply upon it. "McGee? Are you in there? What in the good lord are you _doing_? If Gibbs looks up and sees both of us gone, I'm going to sing like a canary I'm telling you, I'm not going-"

" _Tony…"_

Instant silence descended. DiNozzo felt his eyes strain in confusion. He'd never heard so much misery in his own name before. "McGee?" he repeated, quieter this time, "Is…uhh, everything ok in there? You sick or something?" He glanced awkwardly towards the door. "You want me to go get Ducky? He might be able to uhm…well, I don't know…"

McGee leant against the cubicle door in muted misery.

"Tony, you gotta help me. Please, you gotta help."

The elder of the two couldn't help but roll his eyes. "Well yeah, McGee, I didn't come down here to snort crack off your butt cheeks. What the hell is going on? We honestly don't have all day to hang around and play bathroom buddies, so could you spit it out already?" He rapped smartly on the door once more for added affect. "Some time in this millennia would be splendid, I have an awful feeling I'm not going to age that well is all."

There was another resounding silence as the door continued to separate junior and senior agent.

Before it slowly creaked open.

Tony's eyes watered painfully as they shot open in shock. His mouth fell open as he stared in stunned silence at his junior agent. "Probie," he eventually managed to splutter, "What…why…." His eyes snapped wider still. "What have you _done?"_ Wincing the most proud wince of a lifetime, Tim tried to shrug ruefully but stopped short when the tearing pain shot him down. "I…I had a an error in judgement," he mumbled, his face burning. "And my body…" he shot an anguished look up at Tony, "My body isn't reacting well. As you can…see."

Tony's eyes racked McGee's prone posture as his head nodded incredulously.

"That…that I can McGee, that I can."

The red and pulsating boils were on every single inch of Tim's bared chest. The pants that were dropped to his ankles exposed similar angry boils covering every square inch of his thighs and legs. The shirt sleeves that were pushed up showed a similar affliction upon the agent's forearms and presumably upper arms to boot. Some were leaking and some just screamed agony. Wincing in sympathy, Tony took a precautionary step back. "Is this contagious?" he squawked, "I swear McContangion if my beautiful body breaks out like…like _that…"_

Tim shook his head with an odd combination of lifelessness and franticness.

"No it isn't. This is…the result of a weekend gone wrong." He yowled as a blistering pustule suddenly popped, sending a stream of thick, yellow pus coursing down his stomach. He grabbed wildly at the nearby toilet roll and dabbed a handful against his oozing stomach. Tony watched in horror before finding his gaze wandering down to the ground. A mountain of pus ridden tissue lay in a heap and Tony suddenly felt a little sick. Swallowing, he shook his head and raised his arms defensively.

"I'm going to get Ducky. You need…you're having some kind of reaction. You could be seriously ill. I'm getting Ducky." He turned to do just that and to bolt from the room. Tim's frantic mewling however stopped him dead in his tracks. "Tony you _can't,_ if you tell Ducky then he'll tell Gibbs." He gasped as another boil shuddered into a bursting mess. "Please. All I need is Aloe Vera…an extensive application." He gestured at his shaking hands and the expansive coverage of boils with a grimace. "I can't…I mean…" He gestured to a bottle next to the pus sodden toilet roll. "Could you?"

Tony blanched.

"McGee, you're hideous! I can't…"

He clamped his mouth shut when he saw the hurt expression cross the younger man's face and sighed a defeatist sigh. He eyeballed the inoffensive bottle dubiously. "Are you sure that'll work? You look like something that came out the wrong end of a chicken shack. Is Aloe Vera really going to make that much of a difference?" He tilted his head sharply back to McGee and asked the question that had oddly slipped his mind. "How did this happen? You said this was a result of a weekend gone wrong?" A sudden grin played around the senior agent's mouth. "What did you get up to then McGoo?"

Tim groaned.

"Tony…please, will you just-"

Bending down and scooping up the bottle, Tony grinned wider and shook his head. "Oh no, if you want me to wipe down your porcupine self, you need to get to talking." He shook the soothing liquid and tilted his head. "What's it to be?" About to tell him to go to hell, Tim was essentially estopped when another boil began to shudder painfully. "Alright," he gasped, "I'll tell you, alright? I'll tell you…" He grimaced and quickly decided to just bite the bullet. "I got an all over body wax…and apparently, I'm highly allergic to whatever was in the damned thing. Alright, you happy now?"

Tony gaped.

"An….all over…." He shook his head in amazement. " _Why?"_

Tim willed the ground to split in two and swallow him into the deepest crevice of hell.

"A girl I'm currently seeing…doesn't like uhh, well she prefers…" he burned scarlet, "She prefers hairless men and I was trying to surprise her." He gestured pitifully down at his marred physique and shrugged painfully. "Didn't exactly go to plan. I nearly didn't come in today but then Gibbs would have started asking questions and…"

Tony nodded immediately.

It didn't bear thinking about. Suddenly not feeling like making fun of his long suffering protégé of sorts, he sighed and shook his head. "McGee, you gotta stop trying to please women like this. You're gonna end up killing yourself." He took one last look at the pocked skin and resolved himself. "I'll do this for you and I'll say diddly squat to anyone. But…you owe me, you _really_ owe me. Do we have an understanding?"

Tim could have kissed the elder of the two as he nodded frantically.

"Alright," Tony grunted, stepping back. "Get out here and bring that toilet paper with you, there's better light and we need to be out of here in under ten minutes or he's gonna come looking." He saw McGee's hesitation in stepping into the public area of the bathroom and snorted. "No one other than you uses these, no one cares about toilet cleanliness as much as you do." Seeing the merit in that argument, Tim reluctantly and slowly shuffled into the brighter area, clutching the toilet paper.

There was supreme silence for the next five minutes. Tony, truth be told, felt extremely sorry for McGee. The sores as he dabbed them, quivered unpleasantly, but the look on Tim's face was payment enough. The Aloe Vera was certainly doing its job. Working quickly but thoroughly, Tony dabbed equal measures of the soothing liquid over every area he could see. Ordering Tim to take off his shirt, he winced when he saw the state of the kid's back. It was a mess. Applying extra liquid to fresh paper, he set to work once more. Silence continued to prevail as he put his training to good use and treated the boils as sensitively as possible, all the while vowing to find out where Tim had gotten his abomination of a waxing done. He was going to go there and there was going to be a certain exchange of words.

Straightening up with a slight crick in his back, Tony looked over at his probie and saw he seemed much calmer. He tentatively placed his shirt loosely over his soothed back, refusing the offer of bandages claiming they made him itch. About to stopper the bottle of Aloe Vera, Tony had a certain and very unpleasant epiphany. "McGee…" he started slowly, as Tim yanked his trousers back up and buttoned the last button on his shirt. "You said you got _an all over_ wax?"

The instant flush that crossed the man's face was answer enough.

" _McGee!"_ Tony hollered in exasperation, "Tell me you didn't. Please god tell me you _didn't?"_

Tim's face would have fried several eggs as he didn't answer, but dropped his gaze to the floor in chagrin. "It was one of the worst parts," he mumbled shamefacedly, "She didn't like it. It uhh…reacted the worst to the wax, which is why I couldn't keep sitting down for those damned cold cases." He looked up at Tony in misery. "What am I gonna _do_?"

Tony gaped in horror.

"You don't…you don't expect me to…. _McGee!"_

Tim pooled his eyes into imploring ponds.

"Please?"

Tony spluttered indignantly and puffed himself up to tell the kid to go to hell. But…the tortured look in the eyes had him shutting himself up smartly. "This never leaves this room, you hear me?" he growled, "I find out it does, and I'll end you McGee. I'll destroy you. Is that painstakingly clear to you?"

Tim nodded fervently.

"Crystal."

He gestured awkwardly towards the loops of his pants and raised a brow. "Uhh…should I?" Cackling in exasperation as he reopened the nearly empty bottle, Tony nodded. "Well I ain't going to do it for you…mother of…" He took a deep, soothing breath and checked his watch with a wince. "Be quick about it will you, there's going to be a misper case launched in a minute." Realising the accuracy of that, Tim nodded and to hell with modesty, shoved his trousers back down along with his boxers and leant over the sink basin.

Tony mewled in horror as he took in the sight.

"Sweet merciful…" He placed a fist up to his mouth and bit down sharply upon it. "You poor son of a … Jesus, McGee, no woman is worth this. Take it from me, not a single woman is worth this." He winced as he blotted another wad of paper with Aloe Vera. "Did she even like it?" Tim let out a small hiss of misery as he shook the head that was buried in his arms.

His voice was muffled as he spoke and as Tony bent down to begin dabbing, horror radiating from his every pore. "She cancelled on me before she could even…uhh, before I saw her again. Apparently I'm too nerdy. Can you believe that?" Tony, who could well believe that, offered a non committal grunt as he continued on in his surreal position. Placing a hand on the small of McGee's back to steady himself, he dabbed cautiously at the angry boils that covered the kid's ass and vowed to never touch his manly hair. Not even for the Queen of Sheba. Feeling that he really ought to impart some Ducky like wisdom into the situation to ease the McGee's hurt, he opened his mouth.

But he never got to utter a syllable.

The door suddenly burst open causing both men to yelp and swivel their heads towards the intrusion. There, bathed in hall light, was none other than Gibbs, Ducky and Ziva. Six eyes bulged in shock as they interpreted the scene. A blanket of pressing silence lulled over the five as they all stared wordlessly at the other. Tim and Tony stood frozen in position, Tony with one hand on McGee's back and another on his squid like butt. Tim, an apparently willing participant. Ziva, Gibbs and Ducky stood in a line, all three mouths open wide.

Ziva recovered first.

"Aha!" She squealed, throwing her hand out to Ducky. "I win, Dr Mallard. You wagered that they were not gay and clearly, I was right, and they are." She gestured at the scene and winked at the two horrified men. "You two are very cute, did you know that?" Before they could even peel their lips apart, she thrust her hand dangerously close to Ducky's nose. "Pay up!" Ducky continued to gape at the odd scene, before shaking his head and pivoting on his heel. "It transpires that I mistook dear Anthony's womanising for youthful exuberance as opposed to a societal mask." He sighed and glanced over at McGee and DiNozzo. "You two really are very well suited," he remarked gently, "I feel you will complement each other very well. I am delighted for you both."

With that, he gestured to Ziva with the promise of payment and the two hustled down to autopsy. Tony and Tim remained frozen in their prone position, the Aloe Vera seeping through the paper and drenching Tony's hand. Gibbs stared at the pair for another agonising moment, before clearing his throat. "I'm gonna waive rule number twelve this one time," he grunted quietly, "You two…you really do make a very cute couple." He coughed rather awkwardly, and hovered in the doorway for a moment. "Uhh…come back when you're ready and uhm…well, yeah…come back when you're finished doing whatever it is you're…doing."

He have a short nod of dismissal before turning to leave.

He froze mid pivot and quickly turned back again.

"Which one of you is gonna be the big spoon?"

…

A/N: Random silliness.

…


End file.
